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She girds her waist with strength, and makes her arms strong
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| 3 months down |
| 04.20.06 (5:38 am) [edit] |
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it's unbeleivable how time has gone by so fast. Even though the first 2 months went by really slow and it took a lot for me to adapt to being away from my family and friends..
I've adapted now to beng away and have made new friends. However, nothing can replace the awful feeling of being away from my 2 year old son... nothing ever will.
Things at work got really upsetting when the guys i worked with started a 'bet' about who was gonna get in my pants first. Then when they realize that none of them would, they got butt hurt and made things really hard for me. I' not the only girl here in this place.. but compare to how many men (military and civilian) are here in this camp, i guess the ratio of females here is quite low. It's hard to even talk to a man because the only thing they have in mind is one thing... I'm trying to bypass all of that and just get by with my girls (i call them my daughters)*. I'm the only female Sergeant watching over two "Private first calss" and a Corporal. They are everything to me right now and if something happened to them because i wasn't a good Sergeant to them (wether it's in regards to men or incoming fire) i would never forgive myself. I know they look up to me and what a hard ass i 'pretend' to be most of the time. I try to never let them see fear in my eyes (though i do worry for them). I know they hate it when i "lock them on" (put thm in their place) but then they appreciate it, because they know it's only for their welfare. We got here advanced party and there was very few of us... mostly females. And though at first they might've thought i was a bitch because i was strict with them, they've come to realize that I'm just looking out for them. They tell me all of the time and I appreciate them noticing. I really have nothing left but good intentions for them.
On another note, i met a guy here who i talk to... Of course, with the wide selection we have, it's hard to stay away. However, that's all we do- talk. He's a grunt (he's infantry)and goes outside the wire all the time. I don't. I work at the messhall supervising Indian workers preparing food and making sure that it's sanitary and no one does anything crazy... My job is easy, and though we are in a Combat environment, it's a lot more relaxed then being in the front lines, like Sean.
We just keep in touch via e-mail cause most of the time he's out in other camps fighting the war... I"m not saying my job is not important, we feed the grunts with hot meals and bust our asses so that they don't have to eat MRE's-and i know for a fact that they appreciate it...
Anyway, my point is that i know it doesnt' compare to getting out there kicking down doors and watching people die.
We get IDF's (indirect fire, such as Mortars and rockets, etc.)every 4-5 days or so.
Right now i received an email from him when he was at Ramadi. He said that as he typed they were taking in Machine gun fire. He is now attached to a Military Police unit that goes out and searches for IED's (improvise explosive device). These things are everywhere, from coming in the gate in a vehicle to attached to suicide bombers to being in the middle of the road waiting for convoys to disarm them). of course they all have their different acronyms- but all for the same purpose, to explode and kill as many Marines and Soldiers as possible.
Death is a sure thing out here... You never know who it's gonna be but you know it's bound to happen. The smell of death is in the air, and though we laugh and joke amongst ourselves, we're always prepared and waiting for a fight. Some of us look forward to it... Sometimes we don't- most of the time we don't. Actually, we really don't, but deep down inside of us, we don't want to go back in country without getting our own taste of the fight... Thats the spirit of all Marines. At least just one time... taste the glory.
Well.. i gotta go now. but i'll be back and post some more.
later
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| Dangerous Grounds |
| 02.06.06 (10:26 pm) [edit] |
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some female almost got raped in her tent last night by some army dude. he went to her tent and opened her door and when she got up to close it she saw him running. then he came back again and did the same thing, so when she got up she went straight to get her sgt, who stood by her door all night waiting for him to come back, when he came back the sgt tackled him and took him to the S.O.G. the guy is in the brig (military jail) right now-
then someone mentioned that not too long ago some female had a rifle pointed at her head, and the only reason nothing happened was cause the guy heard someone coming and took off. she didn't see who it was cause it was really dark.
it gets really dark out here.. no lights, nothing. so dark you can't see the ground. Dangerous... Scary.
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| Garden Of Eden |
| 02.05.06 (11:24 pm) [edit] |
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So i work 12 on 12 off. From 9pm to 9 am... For now. Yesteday after work they took us on a "joy ride" around the camp. Showed us why you never 'volunteer' to be in a Convoy. A convoy, for those of you who don't really understand military terms, is 3-5 (sometimes more) HMMWV (humvees) going places... (that made no sense even to me-lol)
ANyway, they showed us the HMMWV's tore up. some of them missing half of the actual 'vehicle'. They showed us what a 'bunker' looks like inside, and what a tree looks like 'shot down'. And some places I'm not allowed to mention- that made my heart sink to the ground.
But what got me the most was when they told me this is where (in bilical terms) it all started. "The Garden of Eden", someone mentions... and so we all look at each other, our eyes wide open, scared. I'm not a firm beleiver in God. I doubt everything in the bible and i doubt this place. I just happen to doubt people.
However, last night before i went to sleep i prayed. I prayed for my family- but mostly my son. I will be doing a lot more of that from now on. And, If there is someone out there, i hope you hear my prayers.
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| TAQUADDUM, IRAQ |
| 02.03.06 (11:16 am) [edit] |
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IT is now our 3rd day at TQ,Iraq. Everything seems to be quiet and calm so far. AS of last night, it started pouring. IT surprised me to hear the rain drops on the roof of what-i-call 'my parents walk in closet'. I can't complain about that room though, it's the best on our base (camp) and it's not a figthing hole...
When we first got here we didn't expect it to be this 'hooked up', less of all, to actually be a 'room'. My first thought was, "We have heaters". Kuwait was freezing cold, and our 'tent's didn't have heaters. We slept in our Marine Corps issued sleeping bag and froze our asses off. They say if you sleep in your underwear, the sleeping bags heat up with your body warmth... whatever. WHen it's cold, i found it's better to sleep in as much clothes as you can to keep warm.
Our Mess Hall (Dining facility) is HUGE!!! It's now ran by civilians and the Marines in there only 'supervise' ... in other words, practically do nothing. The workes (cooks, servers, cleaning people, etc) are what we say in Marine Corps slang, Hajees... a fucked up way to say "Indians". These people are polite, motivated, hard working people. They get hired by a civilian military-contractor in India and are brought over here to work for a period of one year. They all speak english... which it's amazing. Really smart people. Their music is tantalating and entices my bones. They smile when i walk by and shake when they speak to me, as if they've never seen a woman before. Most of all, a woman carrying a rifle.
I walk around with two magazines of 30 rounds each.
Translating it to civilian terms= 60 bullets ready to be fired at any point in time. We clear our weapon before entering the messhall. And even as you enter, it leads you to belelive you might be entering a jail. The barb wire all around it, the guards standing by checking any one that's not military (civilian contractors) and making sure the faces match the not yet expired ID's.
Iraquis nationals must be escorted inside. From the videos we were shown before coming here, the messhall got blown up by a suicide bomber at Fallujah last year. As of then, security's got tighter.
Last night i heard a BIG BOOM near our sleeping quarters. I woke up already sweating and sat up to a loud thumping of my heart. With each beat i prayed that it wasn't a Mortar and waited for the sirens to go off... Nothing. This base is suppoused to be the most calm of all. Yet, it still gets hit with mortar and incoming fire every 3-5 days.
Reality hasn't set in. I miss my son and wonder if he's forgotten me. I yet don't feel the desperate need to go home-though i know it's bound to come around. My team of Marines i came down with (only 11 of us) stick together like super glue. We look out for each other and try to maintaing a positive mental attitude. The guys look out for us females like they were our men. they call us 'their stock'. At any other point in place it would've pissed me off-but here, and now, it makes me feel safer.
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| PMA=Positive Mental Attitude |
| 01.31.06 (2:37 am) [edit] |
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So today i came to the realization that deployments are all about waiting. Waiting to eat, waiting to take showers, waiting to sleep.. wating for a computer to use that is timed for 15 minutes, waiting for a phone to call home and talk 5 minutes to each person you care about... only to hang up sad and missing them even more than before. Waiting to fly to your destination, waiting to win a war... waiting to come home.
Today we did nothing but unpack our seabags again. We do nothing but pack and unpack, only to pack again. Trying to find more spaces to put your things away, trying to find new ways to make it smaller with the same gear we've been carrying all along. Today it took three of us to close my seabag alone.
Last night i got hit on by some army soldier. He acted all shy while his friend told me that he thought i was "fine". I smiled and said "I'm sorry but i'm married..." and as i took off my girls laughed as i voiced out "and a boyfriend too".
This morning during morning chow, we told the guys... They freaked out when we told them they had waited outside the chowhall to talk to us. "Ward! you're on Female Watch!" one of them said to our lowest ranking Marine in our group. It's amazing how they look out for us. Like brothers, and dads (our GySgt and our WO).
The first night we got here, they put us across the camp from where they were staying. Girls in one tent, and the guys in another. As we come out of our tent (there's three of us girls), to go to eat midrats (midnight chow) they're standing outside waiting to walk us to the chowhall... Escorting us like body guards.
"we have a really good team" we keep telling each other. "PMA" they tell us to motivate us when we get to talking about back home.. Positive Mental Attitude. A very big fight we're gonna have to battle- the biggest one.
It's easy to get down in places like these. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Still, we have the company of each other, in which we can rely like better than our own flesh and blood.
These people will give their lives for me if the time came.. I would do that for them. And so, this will keep us in the state of mind we need to be.
PMA= Positive Mental Attitude.
We sit in our tents listening to our Ipods. Our laptops have died (batteries) and we haven't bought a converter for the plug in the wall. Another one of my friend has a friend in TQ, Iraq that is coming back home and is giving us hers. There's no need in spending money-
So we sing to our Ipods in a quiet voice and get excited when a good song comes up... So we turn to each other and make the other listen to it.
Both of the other girls have pictures that they look at from people back home, husbands, boyfriends, Godsons, moms and dads. I put all mine away.
Sometimes we all cope different. I rather not dwell on what i'm missing. My son's second year- his new words, his new gestures.
I look at them for a minute and put them away-
don't dwell, i tell myself, time will go fast....
three days down, closer to coming home.
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| Our trip |
| 01.30.06 (10:23 am) [edit] |
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We flew out of the AFB at around 1.30 pm. We had to be at the armory to pick up our weapons at 2:30 am. Needless to say we didn't mount the buses until 6:00 in the morning. Everything was surreal. The standing around waiting for word to be passed. The endless drags of cigarrettes. The regret looks... It was like trying to fix all that went wrong in our lives before it was too late.
Then, when the buses took off, my heart sunked. Trying to act strong looking at him through the window wasn't easy. I begged him to leave...
Once our 5 hour ride to Maine was over and we landed, where we were received with "thank you's " and "we appreciate all you do for us" looks. A lot of them where veterans from past wars. They showed gratitude in a way we were sure to appreciate. Fed us and gave us cell phones to call home. I called my parent's to check on my 2 year old son. No one picked up the phone. So i called Stephen. He answered "Hello?" I hesitated.. should i have called him? Did i really want to speak to him or was it the lack of having anyone else to call that made me dial his number. "hey.. " i said quietly.
"Baby?!" he sounded happy to hear my voice.
WHat a releif... I thought... and we talked. it felt so good to hear his voice.
Then from there we flew to Budapest.. and then to Kuwait. ANd here we are waiting to fly out once more...
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| your memories still haunt me |
| 01.18.06 (1:35 pm) [edit] |
(i miss you.) i keep writing it and then erasing it, writing it only to erase it again. but i miss you i feel the knots in my throat when i think it and i'm afraid to say it out loud. i got you in my dreams wanting me... and i know it's only my subconscious wishing it was true. but i don't even know where to start to feel right again. i'm selfish cause i hate to know you'll never be mine, again. i miss you. i want to see you. i want to touch you. kiss you lips and lay in between your arms. i think of you constantly and wonder if you laugh at her jokes. and if you look at her and imagine the rest of your life with her.. I miss you, i miss you; and i'm so afraid to say it. and just to think that you might fall in love with someone else. just to imagine you caring for her... i wanna scream. don't you realize, that no one will ever love you as much as me. and no one else should love me as good as he loves me- it should be you. i miss you i'm just trying to survive without you. i miss you...
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| EXCITEMENT |
| 01.17.06 (10:49 am) [edit] |
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THIS WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK I'LL BE IN SAN DIEGO. I'm excited at the fact that my oldest (by aquantance-not age) are coming down for a short vacation. I can't wait! All of us together again, after so long! Silent can't stop email\ing me about it. I laugh cause i feel the same way and i get nervous just thinking about it. All of us roaming the streets of San Diego- That's a danger i'm terrified of comitting. One of us will get arrested this weekend- nah.. j/k i'm excited, and i can't stop thinking about it. OH! yeah, this weekend my man took me on a date to the Indoor Pistol range. I shot a .45 (stainless steel) and he shot a glock model 9 mm. We would trade off every time i'd empty it. I'm so good with it too.. .lol
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| Michael eating chocolate |
| 01.13.06 (3:15 pm) [edit] |
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| THINGS THAT WORRY ME |
| 01.13.06 (2:48 pm) [edit] |
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I wanna get my divorce finalized YESTERDAY!
I wanna end the relationship i'm currently in, for no better reason than "I'm bored".
I wanna put all my personal belongings in storage and have no one else use it.
I want to go to TQ (Iraq) and not worry about all of that not being done.
I wanna leave to IRAQ today. I don't want to wait anymore.
But most of all, I want to hold my son...
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| When September Ends |
| 01.12.06 (1:13 pm) [edit] |
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"Hello?" She said picking up her cell phone at work.
"Hey, it's me." He introduces himself and waits for her to acknowledge. "Do you have any plans for tonight?"
"Who, me? No, why?" she Wonders.. Is he doing something special for them tonight?
"Uhm,this guy I know is having a BBQ, I was wondering if you wanted to go?" He asks, not wanting to be rejected.
"Yeah! That sounds great. But don't forget we have to go see Vega and her newborn baby!" She reminded him.
"Not a problem, I'll be there to pick you up from work, okay? See you later!" He said and they hung up.
After work, she walked out to his car. Her foot got stuck between the door and the bottom of the car as she climbed in. He laughed, she bit her lips as her eyebrows raised to the highest part of her face. This was typical for someone who is clumsy and careless as she was.
"hey, umm, there's not gonna be any females at the BBQ" he started. Immediately, she breathed in the change of mind as he let it out in such an enclosed space. "I don't think we should go 'cause they're probably just gonna be playing XBOX." She kept quiet, as he kept on speaking about the weekend he's gonna spend in Orlando. "The tickets are for the 22 to the 25th." She looked out the window and wondered about her son. That little boy was the meaning of her life. There was never anyhing else before him.... Suddenly his voice was loud as she came back from her thoughts, "Did you hear what I said?"
"YEAH... yeah." She lied. She was tired, and lonely. Afraid for her son, and herself.
"So? Did you find out if you could take leave, are you gonna try to come with me?" he asked again.
"I'm not gonna lie to you and I hope you understand, but if i DO get approved to take more vacation time, I would rather go visit the baby then go to Disney world with you and your parents." She felt embarrassed. She's not trying to hurt him. But that's where the conversation, all of it, ended.
Once they got home, he decided he was gonna go to the BBQ. But didn't invite her. "I'll be back in a little bit", he said, looked at her and along with her silence he walked out.
I called him at 9:30 pm. Four hours out and the 'little bit' time had ran out. I was upset. Upset that he doesn't understand that i'm not willing to compromise what i beleive in. And what i beleive in is that this last month should be mine. NOT anybody else's. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm alone. NO baby... no car... no friends. He's all i got and he's been spending more time with our room mate than me. I'm leaving to Iraq in less than a month! And since we got back from Miami, I don't see him anymore. Can't he see that I need him now more than ever?!?!
Finally, after a short ugly argument, I sat down with him. I explained every thing that I felt and why I felt that way. He apoligized and promised to be a better man to me... I'm gonna miss him.
Here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
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| we promised forever |
| 01.11.06 (12:51 pm) [edit] |
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So nothing real exciting's been going on in my life. Me and my man are doing alright... well-maybe not soooo well.
I don't know if maybe it's the fact that my son is not with me... and that I really miss him. but I feel bored. Bored with our relationship... bored with our life together.
I feel like an jerk cause i told him. We got into a fight because he said i hurt him. He said i'm selfish and don't care about anyone but myself... it might be true. I'm not gonna lie and say i'm not selfish... i know i am. I can't help it that I'm head strong, I can't help it that I beleive that I should compromise my beleifs and my 'moralS' (what ever they may be). I can't help it I don't feel the way i used to...
I was talking with a friend a min ago about it... It's just become convinient. Convinient because he helps out with the bills, because he helps out around the house... because he's the only one I associate with. I know i care for him. I don't want to hurt him. I miss him when he's not around. He takes care of me when i'm in bad moods... he loves me and i don't want to lose that. It might be the best man i'd ever meet.
when we first met, it was different. we promised each other forever...
but forever is now too far....
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| GET SOME SLEEP!!! |
| 01.06.06 (12:17 pm) [edit] |
i swore i was gonna do that last night, i was really tired so i knew i was gonna go to sleep early- i took a 10 min hot BATH (i couldn't stay too long, the water was too hot and i felt i was suffocating). Then i layed down watching one of the CSI'S the DVR had already recorded, which was the first of 4. HE made me some awsome pasta with white chicken breast soaked in some white wine sauce he made up- it was delicious- I ended up taking a sleeping pill that would now 'force' me to go to sleep...
After that of course i wanted to watch Alborada (the spanish soap opera) cause i couldn't go to sleep without seeing that and i needed to go to sleep!!
Once that was done though, waiting for the pill to knock me out against my will, i watched the 2nd CSI.
NOTHING... Seriously, as tired as I was, my body was restless, and I just kept dozing on and off in an 'aware' stage (I don't even know if that made any sense). :)
Needless to mention, I ended up watching all 4 CSI's, Alborada, and Just Shoot me. By that time, I was so cranky I started to cry... I missed Michael and wanted to talk to him. Of course I couldnt' call my parents cause with the time change that would make it 3:00 am over there in Miami. I was irritated and ended up arguing with HIM. Then i went ahead and took another sleeping pill. I was so exhausted I could barely move... and still I couldn't close my eyes..
Finally around 1:30/2:00 am I found myself in his arms- who practically 'rocked' me to sleep...
I could barely function yesterday at work cause I was so 'beat'. And somehow, i don't even feel "THAT" tired today..
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| This goes to all-who once beleived* |
| 01.04.06 (4:31 pm) [edit] |
Can you hear the drums fernando?
I remember long ago another starry night like this
In the firelight fernando
You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar
I could hear the distant drums
And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar
They were closer now fernando
Every hour every minute seemed to last eternally
I was so afraid fernando
We were young and full of life and none of us prepared to die
And I’m not ashamed to say
The roar of guns and cannons almost made me cry
There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, fernando
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, fernando
Though I never thought that we could lose
There’s no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, fernando
Now we’re old and grey fernando
And since many years I haven’t seen a rifle in your hand
Can you hear the drums fernando?
Do you still recall the frightful night we crossed the rio grande?
I can see it in your eyes
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land
There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, fernando
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, fernando
Though I never thought that we could lose
There’s no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, fernando
There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, fernando
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, fernando
Though I never thought that we could lose
There’s no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, fernando
Yes, if I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, fernando...
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| sergeant |
| 01.04.06 (2:03 pm) [edit] |
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getting promoted today!!
IN 1/2 HOUR!!
LOVELY!!!
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| the bestesssesssst sex!!! |
| 09.26.05 (10:59 am) [edit] |
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So i had the bestestessssst sex last night! Sorry that you have to read it but i've gotta kiss and tell- (even though i did ALOT more than kiss)* lol
I feel so silly... i was home alone last two days (well in the mornings cause he worked this weekend) and I got really lonely. I started playing cd's that practically made me break down. When he got home it was all forgotten. Even the way I felt I needed to remind him how i cared about another man-M-.
But, things changed once he got home. He ate some of the dinner I made him last night while we watched a movie. Then got up, put all the dishes away, brought me and the baby a drink and then went for seconds. Once he was done he changed the movie, to a cartoon for the baby to watch, layed in bed with me and the next thing I know, he's all over me- not that i minded at all.
We had sex like we haven't for a long time. Since the beginning of our relationship when he almost drove me into insanity- He was the best in bed... and as of yesterday, he's proven he still is. I've been thinking of him and his body all day long... I've called him about 3 times this morning alone. He laughs and calls me silly. He's proud of his great work last night. Shit, I'M proud of his great work. Sometimes "I" take credit for it!! lol
I miss him. I can't stop wishing i was with him...
God he's good. I'm gonna post some stuff i wrote about him from another website. till then...
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| 99 Red balloons |
| 09.23.05 (7:46 am) [edit] |
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I knew i was going to Iraq... I knew it the day I checked in to this unit. I tried to get as much training as possible so i'd be ready, (as ready as anyone can get for war)*. Until my green belt (Marine Corps Martial Arts) training where i ended up breaking my foot. NOW i've been on limited duty for about 3 months. This past Monday i ran for the first time since i broke my ankle, then yesterday again. I think (not a doctor's opinion) that i'm ready to start training again. I'll need it. Everyone's getting sent to all types of training (Security, Machine Gunner, Rifle Range, etc) while I sit on my little chair typing this blog. I'm worried..
People that have been there a few times already tell me that the worst place to go to would be Fallujah... As my luck would have it, that's where I am going. I found that out this morning. It didn't worry me much until my man (who has been there twice) explained to me why i should request to be with another camp.
"It's very bad there! They're Camp got hit with morters more than my Camp did... I'm just scared baby." He said.
*I've always loved this song, my baby laughs while i sing along...*
99 Decision street
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super flurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by
99 knights of the air
Ride super high tech jet fighters
Everyone's a super hero Everyone's a Captain Kirk
With orders to identify
To clarify, and classify
Scramble in the summer sky
99 red balloons go by
99 dreams I have had In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standing pretty
In this dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
And here is a red balloon
I think of you, and let it go
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| middle of nowhere* |
| 09.22.05 (6:52 am) [edit] |
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Don't get mad if I'm laughing
Blame the caffeine for all the 5 am phone calls
I haven't slept a single night in over a month
And not even once did you start to make sense to me
Well maybe I'm a little bit slow, or just consistently inconsistent
He said, "Unpredictability's my responsibility, baby."
But you're waiting at the door where everybody's hanging out just like they hung out before
You didn't have to do it but you did it to say
That you didn't have to do it but you would anyway
To give you something to go on when I go off back to the middle of nowhere
To give you something to go on when I go off back to the middle of nowhere
He chewed me up and then he spit me out
And I'm not supposed to let it bother me
But maybe I'm a little bit weak - I let my frailty take the wheel
He said, "Maybe there's a bit of me waiting for a bit of you. baby."
:?
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| if he only loved me... |
| 09.21.05 (1:02 pm) [edit] |
I think of my love for him and it all pauses for a minute, all except for me. My eyes drop down to the floor and I wish again…
If he would only love me, I could make him so happy. I would hold his hands and sleep in his arms, kiss him gently and devour his skin. If he could only love me…
I would look deep into his eyes and let him know, that he will always be the one. I would miss him when he’s gone, and cherish him when he’s around. I would laugh at him and his stupid jokes. I would lie by him in our underwear and put my bare legs on his… while we watch TV.
If he only loved me…
I would cook, and clean. And I would watch our son. I’ll shower with him, and make love to him. I would whisper dirty little secrets and make him shiver.
If he only loved me…
I wouldn’t cry, and I would try. I wouldn’t want to die from time to time…
I’d sing like crazy while he’s driving, and look at him the parts that would remind me… of better times. We’d go out to the movies to take our son and get away… from the turmoil’s of everyday life. We would fight in stupid jealousy, and then make up for all things said in bed.
If he only loved me…
I’d carry all his worries on my back. And shield him from all that could cause him pain. I’d do it all to make him love me…if he only loved me.
And we would be a family, again.
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| the sweetest thing |
| 09.21.05 (7:25 am) [edit] |
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I figured out the reason why i can't cry... It's called "no real reason to".
Last night i cried. Longer and harder than I have in a very long time. My heart broke again as my senses dissappeared. The strength I thought i'd gain vanished for a moment and i found myself lost, again. (He always makes me feel this way). I feel foolish and careless.... a stranger to myself. It all feels unfair to me. I can't understand why I feel this way.
Though the loneliness carried me to a place I've promised not to return, I fought through it. When I woke up from the nightmare, I smiled. I wasn't alone, and I was whole again. He held my arms and said sweet words. His eyes were wide and bright, shining through his love for me. He said he loved me, even then, maybe more. And as my son bathed with bubbles all over his face, he too, found a way to make me smile.
I'm not alone. I'm not even lonely. But i feel tied down to these tracks and the train isn't stopping. I need to find a way... and get away, from this place.
I know I will. "We will... together" He said to me.
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| first blog |
| 09.19.05 (1:00 pm) [edit] |
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so it's been a while since i've blogged. My last two websites have been abandoned due to the fact that I can't keep any memory saved in the mainframe (my brain)*. I keep forgetting the passwords to log in and i can't blog. I think someone should come up with memory pills... something that helps you remember shit.
So i've figured out the past two weeks that I can't cry anymore. you wouldn't beleive it (if you know me you would)* but i've tried. and nothing... weird huh?
I don't know why i told you that but i'm a little delirius. I'm so tired and got such huge bags under my eyes... I haven't gotten a good nights' sleep for the past two months... I ran during lunch the PFT route and felt really good about it. It's been about 3 months that i've been out there running, since i broke the 3 bones in my ankle.... I did so good though- But it was so freaking hot out there and it felt like the sun was out to get me. my arms and legs feel like jello and i just want to go home and take a nap.
i don't feel like writing.
peave
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Like New Year's Eve, tonight's underway
But tomorrow you'll wake up afraid of the day
'Cause underneath the scars of your broken dreams
An undone war still wages and stings
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